Thursday, August 6, 2009

A case of the "What ifs"

Ok, this is not an art entry. It is a place for me to put down my thoughts. I tend to go through these phases every once in a while, but this one seems to be long and really depressing me.

Ok, everyone has a case of the "what ifs". . . What if I did this. . .what if I followed this path and not the one I took. . .what if. . . Lately, that is all I can think about it. What if I had followed my dreams and not be practical about my life. When I was young, I loved to bake. Every break from school was time for me to make a cake or bake ginerbread cookies, etc. That was what I liked (in addition to drawing) more than anything else. Well, I never thought their was a future in it- just something fun to do when I didn't have to go to school. (Ask my mom. I'm certain she got tired of supervising me!)

Anyway, in an old book I used to fill out every summer about the previous school year, I grew up wanting to be a teacher. Good stable job. . .the practical side. The subject changed, but teaching was what I wanted to do. Ok, so, I went back to school two years ago to be a teacher. I tried it- taught 5th grade. I HATED it! Teaching is so not my bag. Even if I learned more on how to be a better teacher, I don't think I would want to go back. There just isn't creativeness in that job- so much by the book paperwork and details. No thanks! Not ever again.

Ok, so that dream was a bomb. What about the baker/pastry chef in me? What about the graphic designer in me? What about the artist in me? I just discovered through Facebook that a friend of mine from middle school is now a chef! Wow! How cool! (In fact, I think she might work at Disney World.) Also, another friend of mine from college is working at Disney World- how awesome. I was given the same opportunity as she was, but I was mad at her at the time, and I turned down the opportunity. How stupid could I be??? (I, of course, blamed it on the fact that they wanted me to start in Quick Food and Beverage- which isn't where I wanted to be. My friend started there and now, she sometimes gives the famous Keys to the Kingdom tour- a type of backstage tour for those of you who don't know.)

Now, my life is boring. Yes, I'm buying a house, and that is very exciting. However, other than that, my life didn't turn out as I hoped. I have a deadend job that doesn't pay well at all. I'm married-which is great. I also have a great church and a great relationship with God. That realtionship with God is the only thing that is really keeping me going. I'm certain God has plans for me that surpass my own. (There are big things going on at our small church, and I know God needs me there to do something no one else can do.) However, I don't know what God will need me to do, so for now, I'm trying to figure out my life with my carnal mind. My carnal mind is saying my life is really lousy!

My case of the what ifs starts here: what if I had gone to work at Disney- how different and awesome my life would be! What if I had studied something else in school? (Even in school I figured teaching wasn't for me, but I never figured out what was.) What if I did figure it out, got a degree in whatever I"m really supposed to do and lived that life??

I just don't feel happy with my life. I thought that when you found your niche in life, you would be happy and content and not wanting a different life. I'm not happy and content, and I do want a different life. What does that mean? What am I supposed to be doing? I guess the only one who can truly answer that is God. I have some ideas, but maybe I should be praying for direction. Who knows? All I know is that I wish my life was different- more exciting, more fresh, more creative, more fun, more me.

Sorry for the downer post, but these are things in my head. I just want it to be out there in case there are others who are feeling as I am. Just know you aren't alone.


Teena in Toronto said...

Happy blogoversary!

Maria-Thérèse said...

You need to ask yourself to find the answer (no offense to god).

What if you just go ahead and do all the things you truly want? What if your life will become WONDERFUL? - oh wait, it will be! YOU decide. No one else.

Anne said...

Hi, Kristin! You are exactly where you are supposed to be in life. You have a unique set of gifts and talents and you have a lot to offer the world. Relax! It will all work out! Try taking baby steps towards things you like more, things that bring you joy. Sometimes the bumps and lumps in the road help us figure out what we don't want ... which makes it easier to figure out what we do want. You're on your way to the perfect life for you! :-)